Tuesday 16 October 2018



 I genuinely hate to know “stuff” because there’s no turning back after that. Aren’t YOU afraid of the mess that you’re going to be confronted with or discover!? We’re way past telling lies to each other stages, so buckle up, it’s going to be a bumpy ride. Either you’re in or out...

 So many secrecy, sworn, crossed my heart - hope to die. Yeah. I’ve spent my entile life staying in a purgatory and they still expect me to choose between heaven or hell. Maybe too dramatic metaphors but what the hellven! I’m not here to talk a about existentialism, drugs, love, lust, life, right or wrong etc.. I am here, waving at you, reminding you that you and I exist and if you're reading this right now, you matter. Are you also just passing by? mindin your own business, like me? filling up your precious time and then...

Imagine the bitterness of a heartbreak - losing your loved ones or realizing so many deep stuff all of a sudden that you can't actually digest them at once, not in this parallel you can't. You just have to live with that hormone rushing through your veins.. you know the one which makes you a miserable rat. You pitied others who have mental disorders before, couldn't even empathize with them, not truly -- now you realized that the ones that abnormal misfits are the true pure ones. Remember how they actually split themselves from the reality. D.I.D.s? D.D? D.A??? hmm? Am I also having a mental breakdown? Who knows man. I’ve been here before you know. Still... every time it feels like a new thing but with a Deja Vu undertones— with a back story of an allegedly salem witch. Burning her while she was innocent. Hmm?

Also the music, the waves, the messages, back-masking... Everything is CODED AND FITTED PERFECTLY NOT TO SCARE YOU SO YOU KEEP ON LIVING. It’s too real and getting out of hand. I don’t understand how the hell am I trapped with these mindless supposedly A.I!? Dude. People are NOT REAL HUMAN hence actually egoist fucks this is all an illusion, a perfect one I give you that. The truth is not "how the hell you blend in with them". It’s how the hell would you survive, knowing that you’re this much close to actual illumination. But still you don’t truly want it, even want to try getting it... you don’t want the consequences, you don’t want the pain. And being “the wise” WHY?? so they worship you and butter you up or sugar-coat every poison they feed you? Why to these humans?? 

Go ahead and ask yourselves. Am I a human?? Am I really? Well shit. I might have actually been a human all alone, but these people... they are perfectly programmed. So perfect, that you actually mistake them with humans. why am I trapped here? It’s my test. Perfectly aware of it. But why am I failing and ruining shit up every time? Am I frustrating my creator? (been there, done that. Still turned out to be ok in my own level) If you are a light worker you'll always be one. That why your pain is great and you're surrounded by it and you will be for the rest of your life. Not always. You'll have your happy and causal days of course :)

But It WILL so bad. -- 

It hurts so bad. Mostly at nights. But tonight. It’s different this time. I can feel my face muscles crippling with agony and the pain is too much. They’re trembling with fear. I am alone. Drugs aren’t working anymore, I shouldn’t have had them in the first place. They’re numbing me up and dumbing me down. I still feel pain. With or without meds. I witnessed so many great and so many horrifying, horrendous - blood curdling things in this world. But being aware of my own face muscles (being aware of themselves) making and pulling themselves towards each other while thinking about the things I don’t dare to describe... My shell is living, every inch and cell and she's afraid. I need to comfort her so she wouldn't make a fuss right? well. you know what?

I am grateful. Slow mellow indie music slowly enters through my veins but if it’s going to poison me or heal my internals, the time will tell... I just hate of waiting. I loathe traumas. They’re making me soft. Like trying to crossover a shaky bridge with rotten wooden floor. And it’s fog in front of you. I am afraid. I AM AFRAID. It’s going to be a bumpy ride again. I am still that lost kid.

My brain is a roller coster. And I'm not enjoying this ride. In fact, I hate roller costers, I hate forced adrenaline rushes. It's called ADD, kid! Nope, not this time man, you can't convince me with this shit.

P.S: Racking my brain at it's finest. Congratulations being a soft and a hardcore person at the same time and breaking the 4th wall all over again.