Alakalar ve uç noktaları

 Dımdızlak kalırız bazen, insanlar vardır... bazıları eski bazıları yeni, Bazılarını hayatımıza sokmaya çalışırken onlar bunu fark etmezler ve daha da kulaç atarlar ufuğa doğru. Tam olarak neydi istediğimiz? tanırmıydık gerçektende onları ya da sadece yüzlerine bakıp sevmeye mi çalışırdık onları?


  Neden cevap vermez bazen? kim? hayır... Kötü bir zamanlama, hayır ondan da bahsetmiyorum aslında. Bilinmiyor hatta tahmin edilemiyor bile... Ne olurdu o gün gitseydim? daha mı farklı olur du? Yuvarlak bakıyorum hayata yine, ne istediğimi bilmeden... herşeyden tat almaya ve herşeye bulaşmaya çalışarak... neydi gerçekten istediğim?

The "Totally" Thunder

 Doesn't hunt me everyday though... but when I remember about the thunder I hardly swallow and my throat hurts. A sound somewhere in the sky.... I have never seen it... but I love it. I can't help. My heart refuses to pound when she hears the thunder... Is this a love? "Mi Amor" When I read that... that little red meat inside my chest hurts. Thunder heard of me two times... We actually talked... Then...gone. Probably I'm nothing for the thunder. What am I doing?  What is this feeling? I can not name it. I am in love with the thunder... "in love"? how? "love" is such a human word. I refuse to be human. Human kind kill, lie, stab others on their back, they get jealous, greedy... and so on. I don't wanna be a matter. I don't want to be seen, just be invisible and pure. Why do you ignore me, thunder? why can't you "love" me back? I am asking this as a human. These are the words of a human so you can hear... mi amor.

Was it ever enough?

 Here I am, just sitting here... so tired of searching things my brain hurts, it's hard to keep my eyes open. I don't care... I've been listening this song since yesterday... the melody of it haunts my eardrums and brain. How could I escape? Is it even simple?

I am not even sad. Just emotionless... quite dark but still not. Still I can sense fear deep inside me I don't know how to find it, I care less about it. Why does this melody still haunt me? When I heard that I shivered, I couldn't think, I didn't care... I just wanted to forget anything about everything for a minute and stare, just stare. I even wonder if this is a job of the rain? Maybe clouds are angry, but what did I do to them? Moon? even you!? please... not today. I gave up everything I "want" well... at least froze. I can't write lyrics or a poem or a song or even continue to my songs or my book or study Japanese or draw a portrait or meet my friends or care about their life. What is happening to me? It's been one year... But I'm so afraid to leave this "dream". I'm not living a dream like you think but just it's my dream whether is a nightmare... I'm used to it. But sometimes I do yearn for the real world. I keep trying. I'm trying my best. It's never enough. I've fought so hard for everything... I'm tired why don't you understand and leave me be ... Sun, you're my only hope now. Convince the moon, I need the moon back, by my side... Because I don't think I will continue like this anymore...

Ah, the guardian angel, I can not let light pass through this earth, which is full of lies... I am standing back. Don't come near me. What is a light anything to do with flesh? It doesn't help. The one who sent you... Was it a good will or a bad will? Do you know what's behind all of this? or are you a messenger? You can not help me, I know you try but you know you can't, don't even trust me. I don't even trust me! Just come with the moon. But not near.

I have been in this line for million times

 I don't know to say, I try not to fall those tricks over and over again but everytime I fail... I don't know why. I never forgive and forget, then why do I do that? I just wanted to hear and I did. You knpw the feeling that your insides burn, your heart wants to stop or starts to pound very very slowly it makes you crazy. You feel like you can't take it anymore...