Friday 1 December 2017

Useless Glitter Baby. (Cowgirl With the Greatest Boots Ever)

I am useless. Here I weep, with every push on the keyboard's keys. My fingers are sore. Since when did I get so fucked up? ... oh, please let me know if you'll ever find it, my love. What's going on? with me? with you? with us? with the world? Would you stop. Stop saying these words that will make you regret saying them in the future... Future? This is the future... Remember yourself, dying in the glorious glitter hole that you've been digging. Now you're trying to get out. Will you ever get out? what exactly hurts so bad? Are you punishing me? Are we suppose to find answers or have you been hiding words in your so called "hidden text"? you're not that clever are you? just a show off.

 There are millions of people like you... sorry to break it down for you. You're getting old. Can you see your wrinkles and notice you haven't achieved anything yet. But this melancholy is for some other story. Do you see yourself when you sparkle? You do. Sparkle. But you sparkle alone.

 I hate to see you sad. Am I making you sad?... I didn't mean to. You're one in a million baby, the chosen one, special kind of a snowflake and the king of the world. Better? You know, I mean those words. Are we going now? Wanna fly inside of that giant tube for half of a day again? Hold my hand.

 We're gonna save you from here. Just you and me. One more god damn greatest adventure and then we'll vanish afterwards. We'll hide in the woods or hills. You choose. You pull the trigger baby. I am yours.

     We will disappear you and I... my nymph, my inspiration, my little glitter baby...

Thursday 30 November 2017

Coldest story ever told.

He stood there started to write a story of the sorrow and despair. He was mumbling words... you wouldn’t hear. He looked shaky and dangerous. His moves were unpredictable and scary. He was capable of everything. And anything. Then he wrote his first words..

“My dear;

Remember karma? I have nothing to do with you. Hot + cold - high + low.

Just knock it out. I despise you. I loathe your choices. You have a tin heart and brain, I have my iron lungs... till the day I die.

Would you find a greater source to give you a limitless power of fucking things up. Maybe you already did. I have nothing to do with you.

Let me share my own fucking lyrics for a song I’ve never published before... for situations like this —-—

— Monster —

You call me monster, 

Yeah you blame me about that

But you don’t have any fucking idea 

Why am I like this

I saw you two times yesterday

You were betraying me in a cruel way

You gotta ask yourself

Just fucking ask yourself

Why I wanna cut your throat

I wanna chop you into pieces

I wanna bury you with those filthy rats

I’m a monster, you call me monster


So before I go Jack the Ripper on your ass. Just get the fuck away from me. I have nothing to do with you. You asked for war, let me get my helmet and it’s on. Bitch.


Your Dearly Beloved “

And then after a long silence and horrendous blank eyes he whispered... “you are dead to me” and then... nothing.

Saturday 5 August 2017

Sun Child

You'll witness an agony so great that will start the judgement day....

 A Letter from Jane Doe to John Doe...

John, My Love;

 When the past was hurting, the present wanted to conquer. You shined so bright, my eyes went permanently blind... I knew something was there, then I came back to the reality and moved on... Sorry for lying on your face. Oh how I will never have you. I curse the day that my eyes have met your eyes. If I'd never met you, I wouldn't feel the pain of just seeing even your silhouette, I wouldn't feel insane. I force a wistful grin. I smile at you. Did I tell you that I'm crazy about you? What went wrong? I'll keep on wondering what might have been. 

Is everything coming to an end tomorrow? the world is ending and I'm the only one who knows it. If you knew, would you loved me? Tonight is so cold John. This cold will never go away. I'm afraid that it might take you away from me. Are you going to let it? Do you even care? 

 Do you remember how I just stood there and looked right at you? You stared back into my eyes, had no idea that you were the actual reason; the curse, the cure of me. Had no idea that I've been thinking about you constantly and wonder what it'd be like for you to touch my hand, hold it and never let it go. One gloomy and lonely night to know that you're right there to wipe away my tears and be there to save me from all my deepest and darkest fears, solitude... Will I lose you forever in a week? Stop me from thinking. Save me... Save me from myself.

You have already possessed another heart. I've been there the whole time. Just not in exact moment, place. Even though it sends me to the deepest pits of hell. I stop. Breathe and let go of getting too attached to you. 

Now you're standing here with me. Staring back into my eyes. I smile back at you too. My dead heart does too. 

       I love you.


Friday 28 July 2017

Fucked up ache.

Howdy. Well well well. Let's channel the thought of all the isolation from the public and let's start.

- "I don't want to sound depressed but..."

- "Then don't."

- "I'm sitting at the Starbucks, questioning my entire existence and how heart broken I am."

- "Seriously?"

- "Seriously. Why does it hurt so much that I can't even swallow this delicious strawberry acai"

- Because you're a fool. You asked for it. You had it coming for being such a fool. Now have fun looking at photos of past and present.

- I am literally going to cry right now. You're not helping at all.

- Have fun crying in the public area too.... Oh the torture! Never felt so good. Fuck you for being too emotional btw.


You shake and tremble because you'd love to steal others lives. Not that because you enjoy it. Not because you're jealous or evil. It's because you're insecure. You're feeding off of the thoughts and idea of it. That's alright because someday you'll be cured. Wait for that day. Patiently. Impatiently. Whatever works out for you. Look at you. Being a philosopher of your own thoughts. Doesn't help does it? Maybe they're where you use to be or should have been, could have been... you're not even mad at you anymore. You're just trying to pass the time and don't think about the future. Because when you do... oh well. No more. You want the (in a need of) adventure but secure one. How fucked up are ya? Try to hold it in as much as you can...

Friday 12 May 2017

Time Traveller


It's been a while again. I'm right here in the middle of a giant tube floating in the air, letting the time pass by. 13 hours and we're opening our first posh as fuk gizzy stimulator. Yes I am proud of my self. I didn't take any meds. Sober and proud. People are sleeping. Tried to sleep. Doesn't work. Now if you'll excuse me I'll try to watch Death Note. Because apparently someone just forgot to take Tokio Ghoul with them to read... I'll never learn... also 03:25 hours left. It's nothing compared to 13 hours honestly. 

Rock on babes!


Wednesday 12 April 2017

Humble Underground. (Queen of Hearts)

  Hey it's me the Underground also known as the Queen of Hearts! I've known from not making sense and enjoying the every minute of it, you haven't heard from me have you? you will. Despite of not being one of a million, I am one of your special rain drop. I don't know what changed my mind but I got used to it and I'm enjoying it. Such dopamine rush, much mindfulness. wow.

Thursday 6 April 2017

The Cook

So I cooked for the first time today... Did I tell you that I was 27 years old!? Nothing fancy to write here. I thought it looked bad, but boy it tasted sooooooo good. 

Tuesday 4 April 2017


 Yes, I might have misled you with this title and tricked you into thinking that, this very post is going to be about being sad and depressed but still going on. Not really. (summary: fuck being sad)

  "Seasonal Affective Disorder" S.A.D. who could knew that it would make such a difference. I won't tell the whole story yet but I think I am being cured but special forces of this universe *mostly god** yes, I do believe in god. So old fashioned huh? for this 21th century? :)) It wasn't what I was going about... So, I think I kinda learnt not giving fucks. Legit. I never knew that it would be possible but with the side effects of this special force and (could be a placebo effect too?) dehumanising myself from the nearest future and getting to tired of "when life gives you lemons..." I actually pretty nailed it... I might be saving my sanity. I might not be broken anymore. I can fix this, if I play my cards right this time. This will be one hell of a ride (literally) but in the end this little kiddo will be cured. Because after you've been through some shit you actually reach your either "i don't have anything to lose" or "everyone pees" (whut!?) state of mind. In this case, I chose the second one.

   I am Gizem. I am a broken human being, I accept my fears and embrace them. I am being and going to be okay. My phobias and I. We are one. And we are none.

**Now I will click my fingers and you'll wake up. Totally cured.

"I was cured alright!"
                                       - Alex Delarge                                    

Friday 17 March 2017

I have zero discipline.

*** Clap Clap

   Psssst. Remember me? the one who chickened out big time? Everything happens for a reason you say. We'll see, I say. I just want to say, I have zero fucks to give. YES HAVE BIG ISSUES TO LIVE WITH EVERYDAY (the ones that you have no idea about) and AGAIN Depression, anxiety, panic attacks... they're all curses and gifts/ too tired to explain.

   I am just sitting here laughing. I have zero information/knowledge about this near future. It used to give me serious mental seizures. I am letting everything go. No plans. Not anymore. I will live. And I'm going to start doing that by INHALING THE WHOLE PLANET INTO MY NOSTRILS. Now watch me live.

How's that for a starter. ? ? ?

  P.S: I'd like to think my nostrils are huge. :)


- Giz

Monday 6 March 2017

Unhealthy Platonic Vibes

                This is how you write about conspiracy theories. There we go.

  Hi there. This is your girl, Rotten. You know the one who graduated from an Art School, yep one of those special snowflakes. Is she any different from anyone of us? But this is not our story. I got distracted again. I always do this.

   I can honestly say that; the more I think, the more I want to throw up. Where are my cigars? Oh yeah the customs. THEY WOULD LIKE TO FUCKING BAN THE SHIT OUT OF EVERY ENJOYABLE THING DON'T THEY? 8:14 ... Anyway. I don't want to "perform" another blasphemy. I took you for granted, Didn't I? I get it now. Sorry for not getting into Jpop a lot. Now I get it. Sorry for being too indie all the time. I still hold this sick thought of holding my self back. How can I show any balls if I don't have them? Can't decide if I wanna be this or that. Too stupid or arrogant or caveman of me.

  This is me writing to future you. Will I ever be one of you? I am pretty sure we're on the same level. What? Did you think that you are the new cool kids on the block. I trained hard, but stayed classy. Yet I'm too hardcore for shit. Too much and too independent on mind and heart. The reality was so harsh it crushed my brains out. Couldn't escape my own skin.

  But this is me, trying again. Giving the little one another chance. In fact this time she'll get as much as chances, as much as she wants. She deserved it. Have a little pat on the back kiddo. You rock for being an awesome human being.

  This is me making peace of my own human-ness... And now I'm changing the subject.

 I feel sick to my stomach. What kind of conspiracy theory is this? I get it though. A brilliant one. So clever, it makes me think why haven't I thought of that before. Oh wait... I have. Haven't I?... But let's see. Someone else is cashing out those royalties, certainly not me. That's fine though. I would like to make peace with that broken little angel.... What will they say?

P.S: Stop chickening out.



Wednesday 1 March 2017

I hear the birds chirping.

I hear the birds chirping. Beautiful creatures. I am counting down the minutes. 06:08 a.m. Are you trying to tell me something? The world is actually a small place. Let's forget all of our regrets and try again. 

It's still dark outside. But I have hopes. I don't want it to be the day time. But then again, I've been always like this. I enjoy this silence. Doing nothing, just chilling. Ignoring my fears, regrets and defeats. Poor child. Bless her soul. She will see you there. When will she go back home again? Unknown. Unclear. False.

Saturday 25 February 2017

Twenty Something.

   Well then. DAMN. 2 7.

Starbucks Entry.


  I'm Gizem STOP. I am so bored STOP. I am having the blues again STOP. I think I am a big time loser but that's fine because I think you are too STOP. Is this the real beginning of my life for real this time? STOP. All I ever wanted to do was to love STOP. All the faces I look in the coffee shop they remind me of you STOP. If I stop being too shallow, I think I might escape this grumpy face of this reality STOP. I almost had a car crash today, after saying I was feeling like shit STOP. I didn't feel anything, no fear, no excitement, no adrenaline rush, nothing STOP. I think I need a break STOP. Even though I haven't started doing shit STOP. I feel like I am making my miserable life even harder STOP. I am a leech STOP. Don't say otherwise, just agree with me this once STOP. The things I create have no value in life for me STOP. Maybe to some really minoraties STOP. I never stopped being punk STOP. That's why I suffer a lot STOP. Everything in this world is too either edgy or too soft STOP. I do not want any medications anymore STOP. They numb and dumb me down STOP. And me complaining from Starbucks, writing these fucking stuff with my Macbook is the main irony here STOP. What have I done to achieve this? STOP. Do I deserve these? STOP. Do you deserve these? STOP. We are all losers in our own ways STOP. Don't deny it STOP. I hope you're having fun with your friends well with my potential friends, I can see my eyebrows getting tense from this glasses reflection STOP. CHARMING STOP. I am lonely and like to swear because it keeps me company somehow not those fancy words just the simple word and the relief of saying FUCK STOP. FUCK. FUCK STOP.! FUCKING STOP!

Yours truthfully

- Biggest loser from the other dimension

P.S: I should eat something proper than this cheap ass muffin. I am not having fun I almost feel the heart attack coming to get me. I think I'm gonna have a mental break down. Don't send me to any rehab, I'll be fine, I am stronger than you think. But then again the beauty of me doing this to myself, is just I am in a public place to escape people... Yes. I am torturing myself with reality the only thing keeps me in world is just to stand here with those other poor lost souls to feel my existence, with the music resonating my ear drums. I am Gizem. I am you.

I am Gizem.
I am Gizem.
I am Gizem.
I am Gizem.
I am Gizem.

Friday 17 February 2017

Snooze, what a fucking great way to procrastinate!

Uhm... I think I might have an insomnia. I always try to sleep early but my brain resists and distracts me with all those magical knowledge shimmery sparkling dusts. They're hidden in different places. They like to hide. I don't understand, why hide in the night? why would you want me to find you at the night time? why try to turn me into this sociopathic creature? Am I dangerous? I still can not answer this question. Till this day. Very scary. 

Anyhowzies, I literally can not wake up at the day time. This is getting out of hand. I do not live at the day time. I even despise the sun... I wasn't like this before. I was a whole cuddly loving pink creature with issues. But now, I am all that BUT A FUCKING GROWN UP AS WELL! This is me writing these words in her late twenties... It gets worse I can feel that. I even started to use fucking anti aging products. I'm going full paranoid. I try to stick up my diet, my exercises and drinking water. But all those daily destructions plus 4 doggies, 8 kitties and a turtle keeps me well busy. Although I feel like I do not do shit or even interact with them too much, I must have done things cuz they're all clingy towards me, which is a good thing I guess. I feel like Genius hates me sometimes though. After many pet - human deaths I feel a bit cold blooded. Even when they fight with each other, my folks lose their minds but I always be the one who go "Gryffindor" on their asses. I have battle scars, literally and figuratively. I've been trying my best, although under appreciated. I kept my silence and kindness. I can't say all for nothing. But each and every time I can see that they want more. Because too much is never enough. I am so tired of this distractive and bad vampiric aura-energy. Surrounded by it. It's possible my house is their layer or something. I feel like where ever I go it'll follow me. That's not my fault or my folks fault, I know. They're trying to over protective but then now they don't care? wut? I don't understand. I am trying to get the fuck out of what is bothering me. It's usually a place. I don't know what the future will bring. But I have dreams and hopes, yes still. I do not want to do anything I do not want to. My brain needs to subliminally scratch the message into it's core "YOU ARE AN INDEPENDENT PERSON YOU CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT TO DO."

But then again there goes money, my youth, my sanity, and the time that I will never change back...

P.S: I fucking love to ruin myself in the middle of a "night" *ahem* morning. Nice one Giz, way to go.  


Tuesday 7 February 2017



I'm the night, mystery.
I'm a folktale, the unexplainable. I'm a bedtime story, the one that keeps the curtains closed and I'm not waiting for you. It's too dark to see the landmarks

And I don't ask or need your good luck charms
I'm still not waiting for you.

Across my carpet of stars. I'm the night, the mystery
I am everything that you can't see
Mysterious, mystery. I am the possibility.

Unknown the unlit world of old, I am the sounds You've never heard before. Off the map where the wild things grow. Another world outside you door. Here you stand you're all alone, driving down the pitch black road. 

I will never be your home.


Monday 30 January 2017


   It's been 2 months since I've lost my grandma. Thought I was going to lose it. Never in my life... for 27 years... Too much. It'll hit me even harder but when? 1 year later from now? But let's go back and now look at me... living and shit... such hypocrisy, humankind scare the f out of me.

   At first I didn't feel anything at all. I knew it would've bash my brain wide open with this fancy looking lethal baseball bat. It did. Now I spend my nights questioning the fuck out of everything with such a numb feeling, with this dull look on my face. My face is a burden. My whole existence is a burden for me. I know. Because I exist. Don't get me wrong. I am, still thankful that I exist. But then there's this little one who always pokes me with it's very thin stick, it pierces through my skin and enters my veins, my arteries... Sometimes I even wonder what if all those blood isn't there anymore y'a kno'. It hurts. It does hurt like a bitch my friends.

***subject change incoming.

  And what if you won this one fight? Was it worth it? the triumph? the victory? I never held any grudge. Did I? I was just broken, man. I was disappointed and hurt. You were so hostile towards me, I couldn't say anything! Then 3 fucking years have passed! Then BAM. I APOLOGISE! Alright. -thank you! Because you were so thoughtful. But then again I'm way to gullible ... I was disappointed because you were one of my fucking core vein! Then you fucked up. I fucked up. So be it. Just keep on being prideful. Never look back. Wasn't that the exact thing you've told me?

   See you've created a monster. Now you're paying. You're both paying. We're both paying...