Rigor Mortis


Boğazımdan çıkamayan bir yazı loading;


Neden insanlarla konuşmak istemiyorum? Bunu bir kez daha anladım. Güvenmek zor arkadaş. Mideme gülle patlatmışlar gibi hayatımın başka bir dönemine geçiş yapmışım ama yapmamışım da gibi. Daha kaç tane dönem olacak? Yeter artık.

Bir de yara bandı çeker gibi oldu, di mi? Hahaha. Ulan… Şoka girinceki yüz hâlimi kafamda canlandırıyorum. İçim acıyor suratımı görünce, o dehşet ifadesi. Aynı şey daha önce de olmamış mıydı, hani seneler seneler önce? 

Kimseden akıl almayın.

Neden karşıdakini iyi hissettirmek için yalan söyleriz? Peki, mesleğin de buna çok müsaitse?

Ben kalıbımın şeklini almışken, evcilleştirilmeye yüz tutmuş bir şekildeyken.

Bir de diğer insanları da üzme sakın, Giz. Sen dik durmak zorundasın.

Neden? Hmm?

Zaten koruyucu arketipimden dolayı çıkmadı mı bütün sorunlar? Her şeyin zıvanadan çıkacağını aslında hissediyorum ve kestiriyorum ama susuyorum. Çünkü daha önce konuştum ve bir yararını görmedim.

Neden çok acıtıyor ama? Hem de sadece 1 senelik bir olay? Neden?

İyi olacak mıyım? Bu sefer?

Bu arada, oturup bunun üzerine daha da nasıl acı çekebilirim diye düşünüp “İntibah”a başladım yine. İnsanoğlu ne enteresan, değil mi?

O değil de ikimizin de aynı şeyi hissetmesi. Boşluk. Gerçek.

Beklentim yok. Çünkü dediğini hatırlayalım: “Beklentiler ileride gerçekleşmeyi bekleyen başarısızlıklardır.” Ahahaha.

Söz, görüşmelere de gideceğim. Bütün stepleri yapacağım. Yeter ki zamanı durduralım.

Sanki biliyormuşum gibi saçlarımı ve makyajımı güzel yapıp gitmişim. Sanki kendimi sona hazırlamış ve kapanışı biliyormuşum gibi. 

Ben sahnelenen bu oyunda repliksiz sahneye atılan oyunculardan sadece bir tanesiyim.


Hoşça kal?


Giz







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